I didn’t expect to see you today

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I had almost forgotten about you. I was so happy to not have wounds reopen at the sound of your name anymore. I could hear it, and all you were was a distant memory. I didn’t expect to see you today. You stood there, and I almost didn’t recognize you. We looked at each other for a while. I didn’t breathe;my heart stopped beating. I almost rescheduled my meeting just so I didn’t have to be in the same building as you. It all came back. Seeing your face again brought me back to when I thought you were my friend- back to when I trusted you. I tried so hard to convince myself you were there for me, but all I did was tear myself down when you weren’t. I meant nothing to you. If you had asked, I would’ve stopped the world for you. I blamed myself for how you treated me. I wanted your approval so much that I became so self-destructive. I needed your attention. I lowered myself to being your throwaway scraps, but I felt on top of the world because at least I meant something to you. I thought it was my fault that you didn’t love me. You would dangle the idea in my face and snatch it away from me just as quickly, and I blamed myself. I would stay out all night with you. I would answer your middle of the night phone calls. Your command could have brought me to move mountains. I don’t need you anymore. I don’t need to feel needed by you. As much as seeing you made me want to run back to you and start all over, that’s not what I want at all. I don’t need to be destroyed by you to feel good about myself. I don’t need to hang on to those tiny moments of compassion to convince myself that is what feelings are. It killed me to see you. I wanted to hide, run into your arms, cry, disappear, and tell you off all at the same time. It was the longest moment of my life. Not getting a text from you later broke me. You triggered that part of me that needed you. I just wanted you to need me. I didn’t expect to see you today, but I’m so glad that I did. I’m not who you made me. I had to pull myself back together and stay strong. Not breaking down in front of you was a victory. We were toxic. You are toxic. I now know how feelings are supposed to work and that I shouldn’t constantly be afraid of being forgotten. You taught me what love isn’t, and I finally realized that it all wasn’t my fault.

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